Waiting-to-Talk Listener? Active Listener? OR Silent Listener?
It has been a rough year for many, while there are some who have thrived. I spoke to many of you last week, and as I sat and listened to your stories, I began 
asking myself do we REALLY listen? I mean really listen.
Some shared how trying the year was, others shared the blessings they had received during the COVID season. Some expressed they were excited to have the election behind us, while others are still holding out hope for Trump. There is tension in our nation, so when I received this article about listening, I began to ponder if we really listened to one another, might we be more unified?
In one of the cut scenes in the movie Pulp Fiction, there is a scene called “The Interview.” In the scene, Mia Wallace (Uma Thurman) assumes the role of Barbara Walters as she interviews Vincent Vega (John Travolta). With video camera in hand, Mia asks Vincent a simple yet profound question: “In conversation, do you listen, or wait to talk?” To this, Vincent thoughtfully responds, “I have to admit that I wait to talk—but I’m trying hard to listen.”
I have discovered through my own experience just how many benefits await you when you learn to truly listen. These benefits, once realized, will positively and continually manifest themselves in all of your relationships—both personal and professional.
I work hard to listen well both professionally and personally. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I fail. When I succeed it seems to always be a win-win experience for everyone. The skill that I work on is not just listening, but silent listening.
Silent Listening?
Silent listening doesn’t only mean refrain from speaking, it also means quieting the ongoing dialogue in your own head—the mental noise. Once you quiet the “noise” you can focus on the other person and what they are communicating to you.
Do you know how to listen?
It’s hard to believe there are so many ways to approach something as seemingly simple as listening, but I see three kinds of listeners.
- The waiting-to-talk listener. This person is merely waiting for his chance to speak. He hears just enough to tell his own story about the subject being discussed. Conversations with such people often morph into “who can top this” storytelling sessions.
- The active listener. This person may have read an article about listening, or taken a communication class. He is constantly shaking or nodding his head, or saying: “Uh huh—Yes, Yes.” Perhaps he took an “advanced class” and is “mirroring” the other person’s body language (while at the same time calculating his response or thinking about the errand he needs to run later). All the while, he hasn’t heard a word the other party has said.
- The silent listener and counselor. This person has learned to silence his internal dialogue and make eye contact. The only words he speaks are open-ended questions designed to dig deeper and elicit more information from the other person.
Whether you are an employer, an employee, a spouse, a grandparent, a daughter or a son, we all benefit from listening effectively. We are all products of our experiences, and we bring those experiences and judgments into every interaction we have. Although experience is the great teacher, it can prove dangerous and harmful if we allow our minds to prematurely draw conclusions or offer advice when we should be listening.
Now, I will ask you the same question Mia Wallace asked Vincent Vega:
“Do you listen, or do you merely wait to talk?” Are you, like Vincent Vega, somewhere in between? Do you really know how to listen?
I found it very interesting when I realized that the words “listen” and “silent” are both composed of the exact same letters. When working with people, I ask open-ended questions to get them to fully discuss their needs, concerns, and worries, just as a counselor does.
See, I am a “financial counselor.” In no way is the discussion about me or my needs, nor are there any extraneous thoughts in my head distracting me from the conversation taking place at that time. It is when I remind myself to empty my mind and concentrate on the fact that I am there with the intent and purpose of serving or helping you, that I inherently become a more focused and attentive listener, able to truly understand your needs.
One of the most critical parts of becoming an advanced listener is learning to suspend all judgment. Only when the other person feels he is being heard and not judged will trust develop in the relationship. Only then will the other person speak more openly. As you get better at listening to your own thoughts and letting them come and go without making judgments about them, you’ll begin to find that skill spilling over into your conversations with co-workers, family, and friends.
And maybe, just maybe, if we practice and hone the skill of silent listening we will become a less divided nation, a less divided community, less divided in our homes; and get back to common ground.
As always if you have any questions as it relates to retirement or your accounts, call me – we can practice silent listening together ?.
